Photo courtesy of Younger.
I was so focused on the TV that I got surprised by that small kiss he planted on my shoulder. I didn’t realized he already adjusted my robe’s sleeves so he’d be able to do that. I pulled away and smiled.
“Not tonight, babe. I’m sorry.”
“Why? Are you still on your period?”
I was shocked when he asked that. He must have assumed that I was on it for refusing to bed with him for quite a while now. But it was for a different reason.
He noticed the silence and the deep thinking in my face, and he started to melt down, knowing something is wrong, that something horrible is coming.
“Actually,” I started.
“Hey, hon, we don’t have to do it tonight. Don’t scare me like that if you just want to get out of sex.” His voice is quite different and it’s offensive to me.
“When did I ever make a big talk just so I could opt out of sex?” Now I’m really not in the mood.
“Okay. Here we are.”
What?! Did he just really do that? Did he just blamed me for being pissed at him for accusing me of using an argument just so he could not get pleasure tonight and proved his point?
“You want to know what’s wrong? Why I don’t feel like having anything sticking on me tonight? It’s because I’m pregnant! You happy?”
He laughed so hard it makes me even angrier. I didn’t even feel a bit of regret for saying that. So I stood up and decided to open up the topmost storage in the cabinet and brought out a fresh comforter and threw it at him.
“Get out.” I said silently.
“Yes, seriously! Get the fuck out of my room. Better yet, get the fuck out of my house!”
I moved closer to him to try to get back the comforter which he now hugs in confusion.
“Wait, wait! Why are you being so serious about this? Can we just chill? It’s okay if you don’t want any action tonight. No worries.”
“Not ‘no worries’. We cannot ‘no worries’ when I just told you what I told you.”
“Come on, hon! You can’t be that serious about it.” He hold my face with both of his hands, forgetting he had something on it. I had my eyes fixated on the comforter which were now on the floor. “Hey.” He called out again.
I realized how I’m not ready to do the talk. “Maybe you really should just sleep outside for now.”
“Are you sure?”
Yes, because I think you can’t handle it for now. And I don’t know if I could handle you right now. I thought.
He picked up the comforter off the floor, got a pillow from the bed, and head out of the door.
“Okay, if you think that’s the best. Let’s both have a sleep and think about it overnight.”
It’s as if I would be able to sleep through this. Honestly, I haven’t been able to test myself yet. But I’m sure, well sort of. I have already gone through my pills and I remembered when I started forgetting to take one. It’s something that I hate myself for. I knew for sure that once I forgot to take one, a day would turn into two, and then a week, and the next thing I know, a month would pass without my period coming in.
The worst thing about it is I haven’t figured out what to feel personally. At 28, should I be happy? I’ll be growing another child in my womb. And why should I be worried? Nate and I have been together for 3 years. Okay, maybe it was just a year since we first really dated as a couple. But I shouldn’t worry about our relationship, ours was strong, and serious. And he loves me, right?
I suddenly felt a change of weight on the bed. And Nate’s arm is wrapping around me, spooning me.
“I know you needed space, and I know you might be mad at me for something really important, but can you be mad at me while we sleep together. I just can’t sleep without you, love.”
It sounds so sweet and loving and is it just the confirmation to the nagging question I had? Or is it a display of disrespect, him not giving me the time for myself, in such a serious moment? Is he mocking me, telling me that I cannot be thinking alone, by myself, for myself? Should I be angry? Should I be touched?
He burrowed his face at the back of my head, teasing me for an answer. Even if I wanted to pretend I’m asleep, I just can’t. Not with snots pushing out of my nose.
“‘Kay.” I answered, hiding my sobs.