There’s a different pride to being a breastfeeding mom. Most of the time, it’s overwhelming, but there also times when you think you’re just ready to stop and have your breasts for yourselves. For over a year, I have felt all kinds of emotions during the moments that I had to nurse my son.
Joyful for so many reasons. Top of the list is the fact that I contribute to the household by giving my son free food. When there are moments that I feel bad for not having a job and not earning money that could have add to the family’s earnings or could pay the extra expenses, I would compensate this by reminding myself that feeding my baby is more than enough of a contribution. I would then feel grateful and appreciate my self, my body, more for the amout of money that we have been able to save up because of my breastfeeding.
Guilt over the feelings of wanting to wean on several occassions. There would be times that I would want to go out with my friends, and I would then realize that it would be awkward for us to have dinner and spend time with them until the wee hours of the night, knowing that I must bring my son along with me. On the first year of my son alone, I had to attend two weddings, and even though I’ve enjoyed it with him, I feel so guilty that I had to drag him to stay all night for the reception because we had to be there.
Sometimes, though I know it is too much, I would feel sad for the very reason that I know my body isn’t my own anymore. That I cannot always do what I would have wanted to do freely. And I know that the mere fact of having a child is already reason enough for moms to know that they don’t have a life of their own anymore, but breastfeeding was different. It was a shout out to your face that you should no longer enjoy the things you did pre-baby. Yes, you can, but it wouldn’t be that easy. Being responsible is not easy. You can drink coffee but not too much; you can enjoy wine, but not too much; you can stay up late, but not too much. Everythings would be not too much. And that is sad.
Back to hapiness, because there is no better feeling that knowing yourself more. Yes, you would definitely have that epiphany days when you just realize how much you could change for that one single tiny human being. That you could stop about your pride and your sensitity, because you would need to stop thinking about being fit just so you could look as hot as before, and stop feeling wounded when your friends would tell you how much weight you’ve gained. These sacrifices, which are not all of it, are the things that would also make you feel good about yourself.
With all of these, when you decided to be a BF-ing mom, you should definitely be ready not just physically, but also emotionally. You would have to accept the reality that there would be no consistent feeling, and be strong about it yourself. You have to know when your mind is just playing tricks with you, and when it is real. Enjoy every feelings and every moment because it would be different once you stop. Even the guilt and the sadness, they could be excrutiatingly painful to live with, but just like your delivery day, once it was over, you would miss it and would try to wonder how it felt like before. These would definitely teach you to appreciate the good days.
And just remember that in your child’s whole lifetime, you would only get to enjoy this moment for 2 years. It’s a really short period for a whole life, so try to remind yourself that even for that nursing moments, you get to enjoy your son a few more minutes while giving him the best kind of care you could. That is somehow lucky because not everyone can have that. Some people, whether by choice or not, are trying to be satisfied with feeding their little ones bottles to feed in, and I imagine some mother’s curiousity on how it would feel like to direct latch. So enjoy it. You are giving him your whole attention, time, availability, basically, your whole self. That is love.
Writing in buns,