There was nothing I could do the after Nate and I broke up. I didn’t even get to text Luke and Jane to pick up her car from my place. I just sit at my bedside trying to figure out what I could do from then, but I felt too exhausted to even get up.
Thankful to these two wonderful friends I got, I could have been dead by now, forgetting to eat and get out of the house the whole weekend. It was quite a timing that that happened on a Friday. My best friends were able to rescue me without leaving work.
It was Sunday when I got fed up by my phone’s constant ring and decided to answer it, Luke on the other end.
“Hey! What happened? We’re getting worried, and Jane’s needing her car.”
“Come over, please.” I said, sobs in between the words.
It felt like seconds for them to get to the apartment. I opened the door and I saw the horrified look on their faces. I may have looked like a zombie. But I didn’t care. I left the door open for them, and heard it shut by one of them. Again, who cares.
It took Jane a lot of courage, and surprisingly, no nagging, for her to get me to the bathroom to clean up. She even prepared a hot bath for me, and lingered in the bathroom, sitting in the toilet, trying to tell me stories about anything. I didn’t listen.
Finally, when she thought I looked decent, they both pushed me out the door to have dinner. We went to our favorite Tapa house, and sat at our corner seats. Gil, the waiter, came over to greet us. As loyal customers of the diner, we got the privilege to be buddy-buddy with the servers, and sometimes, we get personal with Gil. But before he could even say hi, Luke already gave him the look that says: “Not today, Gil.”
“The usual okay?”
“Thank you, Gil.” Luke said.
As soon as the coffee and the food arrived, they started their questions. One by one, I answered it. From the night I left Nate to go to Luke’s, to having to pee on a pregnancy test kit, to Nate’s proposal, until we broke up.
“And the funny thing is, the pregnancy test is negative.” I said, trying my hardest to smile, and failing
.I felt Luke’s arms hugging me on his side, then suddenly, my cheeks began to blush, and even though I don’t want to cry in front of them, and outside the comfort of my bed pillow, my tears began to pour and I felt betrayed by my own body. Again.
“I believe it’s your body taking charge over you. It falsifies a pregnancy because your body wants you to get rid of that ugly kind of guy.” Jane said, failing to calm down my heartache.
“Jane! Can you not.” Luke stopped him.
“What? I’m just saying…” And they started to bicker.
I moved to get my phone in my bag, and checked for messages that I’ve missed. Particularly, messages from Nate. I saw one, and opened it.
“Margo. Forgive me. I cannot, really. I’m not fit to be a father, not ready to be a parent. It’s not something that I wanted to do, not now, not ever. You are right. We cannot compromise on this. And sooner or later, if we continue ‘US’, we’re just going to be miserable with each other. You see yourself that you can do the parenting stuff, but I can’t. I don’t know how I can handle knowing that I am having a child, it’s a burden already. But I loved you, remember that.”
He loved me. Loved. Already in the past. It was just 2 days ago and he’s already texting me his goodbye. I wanted so bad to tell him that we’re not having a baby. But I don’t know if this is the right moment, or the right move. I don’t trust myself and whatever I do right now. Before, I tend to be compulsive about my emotions. But now, I wanted to think things through.
Somehow, I felt proud of myself. I felt proud that I can resist the temptation to run back to him and tell him the things he wants to hear. Is it because this time, it was me who broke up with him, it was me who actually caught his shitty acts? Probably, and more so, probably because I knew deep down that there really is no love in the first place. Only matured infatuation, and it is so complicated that I felt the exhaustion of keeping the relationship going.
We finished the dinner and paid the bill. I looked up to smile at Gil as he takes away our cash. He smiled back and relaxed. It might have only been 2 days, but I feel ready. I realized how old I am now, and how near I am to being a full-time adult. I look at my friends, at our favorite waiter, and I realized that they had to go through life even if I’m hurting. That is adulthood. And I have to prove that I belong in that club by dusting off my clothes, fixing my hair, and holding my head up after a big stumble. It hurts, everything aches, but seeing the mistake and forgiving myself is the first step in moving on.
“Thanks, guys. I think I’m gonna be okay, so please don’t worry about me when you go to work tomorrow. I’ll text you, okay?” I told Luke and Jane as I gave them the keys to the car that I borrowed.
“No problem.” Luke said.
“I’ll go over and get my stuff out of your house this week, okay? I still don’t know what would happen but…”
“No, don’t worry about it. It can rut in there, I wouldn’t mind.” He replied, smiling.
“Hey, do you think you’ll ever tell Nate that you’re not pregnant?” Jane reminded me.
“Jane! Oh my God!” Luke shouted and walked away, out of the apartment.
“What?” She asked innocently to Luke, then returned her face on me. “Seriously, tell me, okay? Because I wanted to be there when you do. I’m here for you. I love you.”
“I know. Thank you. I will call you.”