People have different opinions about marriage, just like having different versions of definition for love. To others, marriage is a life of compromise and hard work. To some, it should be all about love and trust and respect.
I agree to everyone, and the most important thing to know is that marriage is a variations of complex combinations of different species. It is dynamic. It changes based on several things – cultural background, environment, resources – so many things contributes to it. What works for other might not work for some.
That’s why it’s very important to feel secure about the relationship with your spouse first. It is hard enough to have someone else judge your marriage that having your other half misunderstood you would be too much. The perfect thing before entering this life is to know and love your partner, and accept the love that he/she offers you. Build a relationship based on love, and by love, it means, unconditional, no judgement, no leaving other baggage behind. You may be an addict before, or a suicidal teen, or an awkward brainiac, and no one seems to understand your struggles. It’s important to find true love on a time when you have already found your love and self-worth, because this would give you courage to open up all that you were that makes who you are now (though it should be clear that it doesn’t mean who you were defines who you are).
Three or four years before I met my husband, I was a total wreck. I had fun around, and I party hard. I spent all Friday nights drinking until morning comes. I smoke, I date a lot of boys, I spend my income buying drinks for my friends. I don’t look around to meet the next person who would love me. I go around town to meet useless people, those who you only know the name for that night, and forgets the next day.
The day my soon-to-be husband walked in on my life, it wasn’t that magical. We were colleagues. We could feel each other building a good friendship, but not more than that. We’re two different people. He was in a serious relationship, I was in a lost state. That year, I didn’t know who I was, what I want with life. I mostly feed myself from what my friends and my officemates would like: they like branded bags, I do too; they like shoes and make up, that’s also my thing. I don’t have a personality, just a list of what I wanted so that I could fit in with everyone. It is not so bad, though. It sounded like peer pressure, but I knew, with the right motivation I could get out of this insecurity anytime.
Then, I dated the love of my life, who was a totally different person than me and my friends. He grew up in a rural place, while I am a city girl. We have different definitions of luxury, dates and spending habits. Those seem so important to me back then, but when we got together, it was just something that can easily be set aside.
Being married to my total opposite, some would say I’m just settling; it’s a lot of compromise on my side, which rooted from our deep love to each other. Actually, not everything needs compromise. It’s just like we already go had a flow with each other. We quarrel and bicker all the time: at home, in the car, at the mall; but it’s just small stuff and nothing that requires us backing away from our vows.
For me, marriage is not a series of compromise but an acceptance of who the other is, and somehow, lovingly and with all your heart, your other half becomes a part of who you are. You would like what he would like, and he would do the same. You have to go to a party, and he already knew that his part is to drive you to the gate. He would want to go to the gym every day, and you have to spend an extra hour alone with your kid, and it’s okay. It’s doing things without having to worry that your partner might not have understood why you liked it. You know that it’s not a big deal.
People would say, oh, but you’d lose yourself for your spouse. Well, not really. Every day is a constant change of who we are. I believe that there is something in each day that contributes to our growth into becoming the person that we will be the next day. Who you are now might not be who you would be tomorrow. So, everyday, I am a changed person, not for my spouse particularly, but more for myself. And being okay with this fact and accepting this is what matters to me. I am a work in progress, and I wouldn’t have been me today if it weren’t for my family and for the people I’ve met along the way. As long as I know I’m worthy and I have brains and I add value into this world, that I also contribute to the change of our home (for the better, always for the better), then I am proud of becoming a changed person.
Writing in buns,